Archive for May, 2010

Just Beat It

Friday, May 14th, 2010

animals

I was a pre-teen social leper, but I was able to make one friend:
My libido. Some kids had imaginary friends, I had my clitoris. I
once heard in a psychology class that its characteristic of children
with low self esteem to masturbate to excess. This bombshell
revelation explained a lot. My ability to self gratify would provide
me with hours of distraction from being a social leper. And, in the
process, I also discovered that I was something of a creative genius-
that nestled within the sublime loser that was me simmered the soul of a perverse prodigy. I would delight in finding many ways to flex this new muscle. (more…)

Supermodel

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

EEwl0411-v1-10

I don’t wanna brag, but I used to be a model. In New York City. That’s right- the fashion capitol of the world. OKay. So I didn’t have a seven-figure deal with Revlon and I never strutted the Parisian runways, but people took my picture for money.  After college I signed with an agency called Stars, right under the 59th street bridge, and a half – block down from Scores, the world famous strip club. My agent was a bed-ridden paraplegic known simply as “Timmy.” He claimed he was run over by a cement truck while jogging through central park one night in the early 90’s, but I always found it a tad askew that if Timmy was fit enough to jog, how was he not able to outrun a cement truck?
Laurie, Timmy’s star model, had another explanation. “Timmy ripped off Miss July, and she goes out with this guy that’s in the mafia. He sent his goons to throw Timmy out a six –story window.” Whatever the case, I was a model. (more…)