May 12th, 2010
I don’t wanna brag, but I used to be a model. In New York City. That’s right- the fashion capitol of the world. OKay. So I didn’t have a seven-figure deal with Revlon and I never strutted the Parisian runways, but people took my picture for money. After college I signed with an agency called Stars, right under the 59th street bridge, and a half – block down from Scores, the world famous strip club. My agent was a bed-ridden paraplegic known simply as “Timmy.” He claimed he was run over by a cement truck while jogging through central park one night in the early 90’s, but I always found it a tad askew that if Timmy was fit enough to jog, how was he not able to outrun a cement truck?
Laurie, Timmy’s star model, had another explanation. “Timmy ripped off Miss July, and she goes out with this guy that’s in the mafia. He sent his goons to throw Timmy out a six –story window.” Whatever the case, I was a model. Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: Baby Oil, Bondage, Fetish, Murder, Nudity, Sex, SuperModel
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April 26th, 2010
International Men of Mystery
WTF? Why do DJ’s get so much ass? Because they know how to work i tunes? I know how to work i Tunes. It’s really not that hard. And yet, some how, your average Hollywood DJ’s list of conquests would turn David Blaine green with envy. Which leads me to a more pressing point, why does David Blaine get so much ass? And for that matter, why do magicians get so much ass? Is it magic? If so, refer to my second question. (why does David Blaine get so much ass) He’s not even doing magic. Standing in a tub of water isn’t magic. Neither is standing on a ledge. He’s basically just standing in different locations and calling it magic. There’s no top hat. There are no rabbits. There’s no hocus friggin’ pocus. Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: DJs, douchebags, hot chicks, magic, Megan Fox
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April 1st, 2010
I got this from my college boyfriend, and I’m still not over it.
Dearest Suzy,
I regret to inform you that this may be the end of our relationship. I don’t see how I can go on pretending anymore. I have too many responsibilities as dictator of a small Central American country. The advisors insist that I continue my reign as “el presidente” for at least another five years. By the time my term is complete, you will probably be fat and unattractive. Even though we may never marry-actually I will guarantee you here and now that we will never marry, I want you to wait for me any way. Also, I have been abusing my powers as “el presidente” and have been sleeping with every peasant girl in the land, even the really ugly one. Just because I can.
Love Always,
“El Presidente”
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March 21st, 2010
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